Adventures of a part-time Vegan: Cauliflower Alfredo

I’ve done it again. Convinced myself that I am a good enough cook to magic vegetables into replicas of unvegan dishes (remember Marrowghetti? This is worse). When in fact, I am an idiot.

Tonight’s attempt – Pasta Alfredo. Using Cauliflower. You can start laughing.

I was musing today, as I munched on a ginger biscuit that I suspect was really not vegan, about where this sudden change in diet materialised from. I’m fairly confused – if you’d asked me 2 months ago if I could give up meat and dairy I’d have laughed IN YO FACE and yet here I am quite contentedly avoiding both during the week with no clear idea of exactly why. Well, I say no clear idea, the root cause is obviously vanity, this was my newest fad to shift a few pounds – the shock has been that not only has it shifted the bloat, but I have found myself for the most part unrepentant about the change. Except for tonight – because it turns out I cannot make a pretend Alfredo dish, using blended Cauliflower, especially when of the 12 or so mainly American ingredients the recipe calls for to bulk the flavour out (Onion powder? Nutritional yeast? Can one purchase those over here?) I have 1: garlic.

I don’t know why I’m pissing surprised it was a disaster. Probably, had I had the ingredients needed and had I roasted the Cauliflower rather than leaching any semblance of flavour out of it in a massive pot of boiling water, it would have been better.

As it was, it was Cauliflower blended down with coconut milk (i know I KNOW shut up), garlic salt, garlic and a blob of Vegan spread for good measure. I TOLD YOU I AM AN IDIOT.

So I decided peas PEAS! were the solution that would salvage this dish. Except they had been in the freezer for about 6 years and were just one giant pea-y frozen lump, and so I smashed the bag merrily against the counter top for ten minutes until I was sure that the lump had broken down into its constituent petit pois parts and merrily upended them into the pan. And of course OF COURSE this happened.

And so I hacked merrily away at the pea-y lump with my wooden spoon until I had broken it down, by which point my pasta (should have been posh wheat linguine – was in fact Sainsburys’ Basics Penne), had congealed into a mighty pasta blob in the colander. I think I recognised how badly doomed I was at that point but there really was no turning back by then.

So in went the blob with the peas, and over went the ‘Alfredo’ sauce. It tasted like pasta, peas and too much garlic, with a backtaste of vinegar by virtue of me being a lazy cow and using Lazy Garlic. That’s quite a special backtaste let me tell you.

And it looked like this.

Yes! Tonight’s post-Bank Holiday meal is brought to you by the colour beige, with a few jazzy hints of green. This is pathetic fallacy for its creator’s stupidity if ever I saw it.

And guess what – I used a whole Cauliflour. I have a mountainous vat of this stuff just sitting on the hob.

Ate 12 Falafel today too. I am done.

dazedandmumfused is on Twitter @dazednmumfused and Instagram: dazedandmumfused


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