Is there always an aggressive bint at a fitness class? Because this is a thing I have observed to be true. Even in the old Spinning class days, there was always one. Clearly fiddling with the nob to keep the resistance low because even the hyper fit pentathlete was knackered at the end of that class, there she was in her stupid pink fingerless gloves, whizzing along without breaking a sweat and grinning merrily at the instructor while the rest of us struggled not to vomit. If she could, I’m fairly sure she’d have sat in front of a wind machine just to toss her hair about like a tit whilst she pretended to work out.
There was one in Yoga too – wrapping one leg six times round her neck and then flicking the Vs quietly over her shoulder at the rest of us as we toppled over and tried not to fart (because yes, Yoga does that to you.)
And now I am down to just the one fitness class a week, Monday night Zumba, and there is still an agressive bint. Now this is Zumba. This is a room full of ladies fannying around trying to get a bit fit. This is not elite fitness, or body combat, or circuits. We were dancing to Uptown Funk tonight. It is a brilliantly barmy class, lead by an ex-pro who has danced for the likes of Take That and The Killers. Man she can dance. Man, none of the rest of us can. Everyone there is fighting their own little battle – the middle age spread, the post-baby bumps, the New Year Resolution, the recouperation from injuries. You work hard, you look like a dickhead, there’s not much more to it.
Except this silly cow thinks she owns it. Whilst most of us punch ourselves in the head at least twice during the class ALRIGHT THAT’S JUST ME, she is there flinging her arms about and having no qualms about invading the small amount of personal space you have in a dance class. She nearly took me out tonight and we were SHIMMYING IN A CIRCLE for the love of Darcy Bussell. I really don’t care to compete in this environment. I am just trying, desperately and with a crippling lack of grace, to get over the latest neck injury and to have a bit of fun while I’m at it because this one hour a week is my only regular hour off and I’d rather spend it laughing than doing star jumps in my front room. And she is spoiling it.
And to make matters worse she is no better than the rest of us so why she feels she must inflict her demented passive agressive, territory encroaching, misplaced smug faced shit (sorry Mum) on us all is beyond me. She must be the only person ever to take herself seriously in a Zumba class.
If anyone wants a really good cardio workout, with lashings of laughter on the side, do come to Sherene’s Zumba Class on a Monday Night at Moorpool Hall, 6.15-7pm. It is excellent.
dazedandmumfused is on Twitter @dazednmumfused and Instagram: dazedandmumfused