The Green Stuff

Snot, to be precise. For the love of Beechams, but can children do snot. And they do it hard. Gallons and gallons of the stuff. It is really quite unbelievable.

We had a relatively mild Winter this year on the cold front, and I honestly thought we’d cracked it. That mystical, long hoped for IMMUNITY that people speak of had entered Blake’s life. Having had approximately ONE MILLION colds over the last two Winters, he was immune to all but a few sniffles.

WRONG.

ERROR.

BE NOT A MORON.

Because for whatever reason, Momma Nature has decided that we will not be blessed with Summer in May. We will be blessed with Snot. Everyone I know has a hideous cold. People are on the verge of losing lungs thanks to their horrible coughs. Eyes are streaming, voices are croaky, sinus are stinging. Adults and children alike. Blake amongst them.

I had forgotten quite how much snot one child can produce. It streams in varying delightful shades of green, from pastel to neon, from his nose from Dawn to Dusk and into the wee small hours if the green crusty patches on his pillow are anything to go by.

And that is even before we come to the phenomenon that I have christened THE WET SNEEZE. If you are a parent you will know exactly what I am talking about. There is a certain type of grizzly, soggy, gusto filled sneeze that you know comes accompanied with a gallon of the green stuff. The minute you hear it you are running for the tissue box shrieking DON’T EAT IT I’M GETTING YOU A TISSUE and finding them predictably with great candles of the stuff reaching from their nose to their knees. Blake often waits until he is strapped into his car seat and I am driving solo to produce such a sneeze as this and then all I can do is grit my teeth and wait until we reach a traffic light and salvage what I can with my sleeve or jacket.

Talking of which, Blake’s newest and most delightful habit is to wipe his nose on me. He is not fussy. He will wipe it on my shoulder. My sleeve. My hand. My hair. Even, the other night, across the arse of my trousers. Again, it is not uncommon for us parents to come with a snot stain or two, but the fact that these are now delivered deliberately with howls of laughter makes it a little worse. Because it proclaims that my child uses me as a snot rag, and in the ever-raging journey to pick my battles, I have chosen not to pick this one. And so the green stuff abounds.

Get well soon everyone. Especially Pom, who has the nastiest cough I’ve ever come across.

dazedandmumfused is on Twitter @dazednmumfused and Instagram: dazedandmumfused

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We resurrect this blog to bring you a recipe: 12th May 2015

It feels like one million moons since I last penned a blog. Very busy times. Sorry! I am easing myself back in with a con-your-child-into-eating-veg special.

Blake is making strides with his eating at the moment. However, these tend to be strides into protein (scrambled egg, ham) or sugar based goods rather than the vegetables his diet is rather lacking in. This is thrown into even sharper relief by my travels into the world of Clean Eating which is a REVELATION but that is a tale for another day my friends and you will just have to sit there dithering in anticipation and wait while I instead regale you with this tricksy little recipe.

What you must do is present this to your child as CHEESY PASTA. I find this is better received if you rub your tummy and say mmmmm mmmmmmm as you impart the news that this is what they are eating for tea, and then follow up by shrieking REMEMBER YOU LIKE CHEESE IT IS ON PIZZA AND SANDWICHES with mild fear in your eyes.

So here you go. Another trickery to get vegetables into your child by disguising them as something they are not. This is everything I hoped my approach to food would be with my child. HASHTAGPROUD

Smashed up Sweet Potatos and Mushrooms and Spring Onions with Wholewheat Pasta (ALL THE HEALTH) and a sh*tload of Cheese

This isn’t my recipe by the way, I found it online a little while ago but can’t remember where or the exact details, so this is my scrappy attempt at someone else’s recipe and DEAR LORD ARE YOU STILL READING THIS WAFFLE I WILL CRACK ON.

Find some sort of dish to cook your meal in. You are basically making a pasta bake here. So find a suitable dish and try and figure out roughly the quantity of ingredients you will need to fill it. Then give up and just sling what you thing is right into the mix.

I used:
2 medium Sweet Potatos, peeled and hacked
2 Spring Onions, chopped up real nice and fine *hacked*
1.5 handfuls of baby mushrooms *vom* whizzed up in the food processor if, like me, you cannot stomach touching mushrooms let alone chopping them up. Also, I wanted them chopped really fine to add to the deception.
About a quarter of a bag of Sainsbury’s Whole Wheat Penne (made for quite a sloppy recipe – add more pasta if your child is not big into sauce)

One should then sling one’s Sweet Pots in a pan of boiling water and leave to cook until mashable.

Dump pasta in another pan of boiling water and cook according to instructions on packet.

Heat some butter/oil/whatever in a small frying pan and fry the Mushrooms and Spring Onion until soft. Retch at the smell of cooking mushrooms AKA probably what a room would smell like if Evil had an attack of flatulence within it.

Hoof about 2.5 dessert spoonfuls of plain flour into the DISGUSTING Mushroom mix so that it forms a REVOLTING looking lump.

Grab a whisk and some whole milk and start slopping the whole milk in whilst *gently* whisking. Wipe up the milk flood that has covered your hob. Add more milk until your pan is about two thirds full. Grab a spoon and keep stirring until it thickens.

With that third pair of hands you have, drain and mash your Pots. You don’t need to add oil or butter. Once done, stick them back in their pan and grate in as much cheese as your heart desires. Most of the block in my case.

Abandon ship and bang head against wall as your child delivers the news they have made a waterfall on the sofa using their Bob the Builder Scoop and a beaker of milk. Ring parents and wail because really you will always be 17 years old at heart.

Return to Kitchen convinced you can already smell rancid milk.

Tip your by now lumpy roux/white sauce into the Sweet Potato Cheesy mash and stir it all up. This will bash out most of the lumps.

Drain your pasta and tip into the pan too. Give it a good mix.

Slop into dish and grate yet more cheese on top.

Cook for about 20 mins at 180 until the cheese has melted and started to go golden.

Dish up for your child.

Grit teeth as child wails.

Threaten immediate bath if child does not at least try tea.

Mentally clap hands grimly as child tucks into tea.

Open door to your Dad who is armed with White Spirit and Carpet Shampoo. Chuck at sofa and hope for the best.

I have no picture as I am a disorganised fool. Sorry. I reckon you could add multiple other bits of veg into this, like grated carrot or celery or whizzed up kale or spinach. You could probably also get away with some finely chopped ham or some tuna, if you’re wild like that.

Proper blog to follow soon, or at least within a month.

dazedandmumfused is on Twitter @dazednmumfused and Instagram: dazedandmumfused